Revenge of the Baby Geniuses

Peter McKay Tue Nov 3, 3:00 AM ET

Creators Syndicate - This past week, I read that Disney, the company that owns the "Baby Einstein" video series, was offering refunds to any parents who had purchased the products in the last five years and were dissatisfied. "Baby Einstein" videos, all the rage a few years ago, are "interactive" products designed to stimulate infants' intellects. Plunk junior in front of one of these products, and it was like pouring fertilizer on his little brain cells.

Millions of not-so-smart parents fell for the marketing ploy and put down good money in the hopes of turbo-boosting the weak genes they'd passed to their offspring. In 2003, a study found that one-third of all American babies from 6 months to 2 years old were staring at these videos. The other two-thirds were watching the same movie over and over again until it was burned in their cerebellums. My twin daughters, now 13, can still recite every single line of the low-budget cartoon "The Swan Princess" by heart.

Problem is, there's no proof that the videos do any good, and bona fide smart people, like the folks at American Academy of Pediatrics (few nitwits make it all the way through medical school), recommend keeping babies away from TV until they're old enough to work the remote and make their own microwave popcorn.

Even though the videos have been around since 1997, the refund is only for products purchased in the past five years. This seems harsh, but actually makes sense. If you have a 12-year-old who watched "Baby Einstein" videos, and he sees you mailing them back demanding a refund, he's going to figure out that you don't think too much of him. He's going to get depressed, unless he's a total dimwit. Then, you can just tell him you're sending them back so other kids can try them out. Or better yet, write in cursive. It will just look like scribbles to him.

In our family, we never opted for any of those products when our kids were little. As a matter of fact, I never had any desire to have genius children at all. I want my kids to be smart, but not smarter than I am. I barely have any control over my kids as it is. If they were a bunch of little Brainiacs, they'd be outwitting me right and left, while I just sat on the couch trying to figure out what happened.

Albert Einstein, the namesake of the series, was clearly a genius himself. As an adult, he came up with E equals MC squared, which the rest of us can all recite but don't really understand very well. But I'm betting little Al was a weird kid to have around the house. When I ask my kids how school went, I'm really just looking for a "pretty good," not a discourse on whether or not man can ever travel at the speed of light.

When our twin daughters were babies, I used to have "Baby Races." As soon as they were old enough to crawl, I'd put them on the floor at one end of the room, go to the other side, kneel down and start calling to them, holding out pacifiers. Within seconds, they'd be dragging themselves eagerly across the carpet, thumping along like inch worms. The older boys would place bets like they were at the dog track. The girls don't really remember, and I'm sure it didn't make them any smarter, but their older brothers found it very amusing. And when it came time to settle up bets, the boys learned the value of money.

We were eating breakfast the other day when the story of the "Baby Einstein" recall came over the TV news. My 15-year-old son watched in fascination.

"Dad," he said. "Can you drive me around to some thrift stores?"

I frowned at him suspiciously. Ever since we gave him his XBox back, he never wanted to go anywhere, let alone a thrift store.

"Dad, they're offering full refunds for 'Baby Einstein' videos!" he said. "If I can collect all the used videos I can find and turn them in at full price, I'll be rich!"

I nodded appreciatively. None of my kids will grow up to be rocket scientists or theoretical mathematicians, but at the very least, they learned the value of money.

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